I thought I had it all figured out. The rest of my life, it was set. I told my granddaughter that we were both going through the same stage of life. She, starting her second year of teaching Kindergarten in Bucharest, and learning a lot about herself at the same time, and me, figuring myself out now that I’m ‘on my own’ for the first time in my, ahem, many, many years. I think I had built a wall around myself, and felt safe. I was happy on my own, I told myself. Privacy is fantastic, not that I’ve changed my mind about that, but recent events have me questioning myself, and all my carefully thought out expectations for the future have come into question. A chink in my armor so to speak. Life was a jig- saw puzzle, pieces neatly in place, and it took a hurricane to toss the pieces into the air leaving me to figure it out all over again.
I once asked Charley if he was waiting to die. Not my finest moment since that’s exactly what he was doing, unbeknownst to either of us at the time. It was said because his big plan for the day was to take a nap. I had expected that we would go exploring the state parks, or to the beach, anything that got us out of the house and enjoying the freedom of retirement once we lived here full time. I thought we’d compete with each other to make light, healthy meals every day. Summer-y meals. I guess I neglected to run any of this past him however, because it was meat and potatoes, and naps every day. In truth, and in fairness to him, he probably didn’t feel well for a long time before symptoms became evident.
And since he’s been gone I hadn’t changed my ways, until I started taking pictures. That is the single thing that has gotten me out of the recliner and out into the ‘world’. My little part-time job at the bakery provided enough social interaction that I was happy to be home every night. Me and the dogs. But I recently asked myself if I was waiting to die, and I didn’t like the answer. So I’ve gone back to the Y to swim laps, and started eating (and feeling) better. It feels good to get moving again, I’m probably lucky it wasn’t too late. Well, it really is pretty darned late, for some things, but maybe not for everything.
Now what? What might life have in store? Really I have no clue, but baby steps are in order I guess…