losing battles, losing it, on closer examination, perseverance, photography, sunrise, technology, Uncategorized

Technology…

Apparently I have reached my limit.  Or my computer has.  While I have over 250 gigabytes of storage left on this computer, and that’s ridiculously more than the entire hard drive of computers I’ve owned not all that long ago, it’s not enough for my computer to sum up the energy to edit photos in Lightroom.  I get the endlessly twirling pinwheel as it tries to perform the function I chose while developing a photo, and then the computer just shuts down.  I don’t think it’s going to be an easy fix, and it’s not something I did or failed to do.  No, it’s that the complexity of the editing software is more than my computer can handle.  So I may be among the missing as I figure out if there is any fix other than buying a more powerful computer.  And the really sad news is that my laptop is in the exact same shape.  Built in obsolescence.  I feel like that applies to me too…

04-28-20Fred04-28-20sunrise1

Seeing One-foot Fred was the high point of this day, and then reality set it…

a second look, changing times, following the rules, leap of faith, life goes on, losing battles, losing it, on closer examination, perseverance, photography, reality check, unintended consequences

Feeling frazzled?

Haven’t had a haircut in a while?04-24-20gatorlandreeditfrazzled04-24-20gatorlandreeditfrazzled2

Or a color?04-24-20gatorlandreeditneedacolor.jpgAre the kids driving you nuts?04-24-20gatorlandreedit2.jpg

And what about a pedicure?04-24-20gatorlandreeditpedicure.jpg04-24-20gatorlandpedicure.jpg

And forget about teeth whitening.   And while you are at it save your money on braces.04-24-20gatorbraces.jpg

You can skip the eye take up too.04-24-20gatorlandeye.jpg

Leave those golden slippers in the closet, you’re not going anywhere.04-24-20gatorlandgoldenslippers

Because social distancing is the order of the day.04-24-20gatorlandreedit1.jpg

We are all in this together. But we can all hope that when this national nightmare is over we will be back to our gorgeous selves in no time.  Well, kinda gorgeous.04-24-20gatorlandparrot.jpg

connections, home, home improvements, life goes on, live and learn, losing battles, perseverance, photography, sky, sunset, technology

What’s missing…

What has happened when I’ve gone missing I mean?  Well, maybe it’s been raining, or at least cold and gloomy, and I haven’t been out for pictures.  Or maybe I’ve started on a sewing project which has every surface in the place draped in fabric, enough so that it’s even driving me crazy, and the only thing to do is keep working on it.  And lately it’s the internet, or lack thereof, that has really taken me over the edge.  I’ve been using my uncle’s internet while I’ve been across the street here in Florida.  At first it worked so well that I had to ask myself why not pay him for the use of his service rather than the cable company?  But little by little my various devices won’t pick up the signal, and the only reliable way to watch Netflix is on my phone, and I’m sure that’s only because it’s using cell service.  My desktop was the last holdout, the last reliable device that would get online and let me write a post, and this morning even that wouldn’t work.  Which actually had me giving myself a pat on the back for calling the cable company yesterday and lining up my own service.  Internet only, but it includes ‘streaming channels’, which are yet to be determined.  I am choosing to believe that this will solve all the issues that have had me tearing my hair out the last few weeks.  So here I am on yet another gloomy day, waiting for the cable guy, and hoping for the best.  And did I mention that I can change my signal to seasonal for a nominal monthly fee when I head to parts unknown in the camper this year?

One thing you can be sure of when I’ve gone missing, it’s not because I’m doing housework.  I’m way better at making messes than I am at cleaning them up…

coping, death, growing old, losing battles, memories, moments, old dogs new tricks, photography, solitude

Resting places…

This post came up on my Facebook memories from June 2nd 2 years ago.  I was surprised to read it and realize that I was getting the urge to get out of my comfort zone that long ago.  June 1, 2019 is the day I hitched up the trailer for the first time and headed to New Hampshire to learn the ropes of camping.  I’m feeling paralyzed this year, afraid of being on the road and finding no spaces in campgrounds, or campgrounds not open.  It would be so much easier to stay home…

Duxbury Beach in Massachusetts features prominently in my fond memories of home.  Maybe it was that we used to stay at my uncle’s cottage, the last one on the seawall that defined the private beach from the public beach.  That it was rocky, especially after a storm, was a plus.  You could put your blanket out on the sand and scout out a few rocks to anchor down the corners.  My husband had heard me rave about it long before he ever saw it, and when I took him there it was after a storm and it was particularly rocky, and from the look in his eye I’m pretty sure he doubted my sanity after that.  Since then I have been to lovely beaches with expanses of sugar sand as far as the eye can see, but I will never feel about them the way I feel about Duxbury.  Which is why I told Charley that I wanted my ashes scattered at Duxbury when the time came.  My daughter heard that and said that I should be informing her of my wishes, and, as usual, she was right.  If I was ever going to change my mind about that then visiting a cemetery like this one is why I’ll let the decision stand.  Stones sinking into the ground, names and dates barely readable, and no one to care or remember.  Sadly, there was more than one ‘unknown’ marker.  A person, a life.  Someone’s child, possibly someone’s parent, gone except for that sad marker.  After being home alone for so long I’m finding that part of me now wants to get out, hit the road, go everywhere, see everything. But I tell myself I’m too old, I can’t do it alone.  Maybe so, maybe not.  But I like the idea that one day my ashes might ride the wind and the water, and travel farther than my dreams can take me now.  I’ll return to Duxbury one day…5-28cemeteryfence

5-28angelHDR5-28EffieHDR5-28Fred5-28twobytwo5-28cemeterytree5-28myunknownHDR.

dogs, grief, growing old, losing battles, memories, photography, responsibility

Decisions…

The vet tech had an explanation for it.  “It” being the fact that the dog I had brought in, the one that had required me to hoist her back end up off the floor every time she wanted to get up for the last 48 hours, was repeatedly getting herself up off the tile floor at the vet’s office yesterday.  It was because even though there were no other dogs there to witness her struggles, she still could smell them, and no dog wants to let herself be seen as the weakest one in the pack, so the adrenaline rush she was having was serving as a pain reliever.  Or so they said.  I had told myself that the thing I didn’t want to do was to take her in and spend a whole lot of money, knowing what the outcome was really going to be in the not so distant future, and knowing that my Zoe was going to suffer while I fought to justify my decision of what to do.  But in the vet’s office she looked like a different dog from the one I’d had at home.  Needing help getting up was relatively new, and while she had needed me to help her for a day or two recently, she had seemed to recover and I told myself that she had strained something and it was all better.  And the confusion in her face when she couldn’t get herself up was heartbreaking.  But she seemed to be in not so dire of a condition while we were there, so it was pain meds, joint supplements, and see her in two weeks.

Except once I got her home she was trying to not use her right back leg at all.  That she was in distress was obvious.  I brought the water bowl to her and she drank, but she wouldn’t eat.  She cried and wanted to get up, so I’d hoist her up, and then she’d stand there not knowing what she wanted to do next.  I thought about how I’d learned to help my mother, and then my husband, when they couldn’t get out of a chair.  I’d lean in and hug them to me, and use leverage to just lift them up.  It worked perfectly.  Not possible with Zoe, and I was already feeling the strain in my back from lifting her.  

I’m writing this at 4 AM while I listen to Zoe’s breathing.  She is finally asleep.  We have been up for hours, she was crying, it actually sounded like a low growl, and nothing I could do for her except sit with her and pet her seemed to help.  Sweet, easy-going Ozzie was determined to put himself between Zoe and me, so I had to put him in the bedroom before he hurt her, or me.  It was the pleading in her eyes that got to me.  Just like when it’s been raining for hours and the dogs want to go out, and they look at me  wondering why I’m letting it rain when they know that I’m in charge of the world and I could stop it if I wanted to.  Zoe’s eyes tell me that she is pleading with me to make it stop, not the rain, but the pain…4-26onelasttime

go with the flow, losing battles, nature, photography, rain, storms, weather

If only it wasn’t raining…

… I’m sure I’d be out front changing the light bulb in the light post.  Especially since I bought the replacement bulb weeks ago, but I’ve been waiting for the perfect day and today would be it, if only it wasn’t raining…

… I’d also have gotten in my 36 laps at the pool…

… The dogs wouldn’t be looking at me and wondering why I don’t stop the rain and take them for a walk…

… I’d probably would have stopped procrastinating and called the sprinkler guy to come fix the sprinklers before my crispy brown lawn dies completely…

… I’d pick up the fiddle feaf fig leaves that are laying out there on the lawn.  I’ve already picked up 5 full garbage bags full, but I probably could fill another bag now…

… I wouldn’t have had to close the bedroom door to keep a wet, drooly dog from dirtying up the clean sheets…

… I would have gone out and taken a lot more eagle photos, and the sunset too…

… I would have washed the car, mowed the lawn, and bathed the dogs…

…and I wouldn’t have worn my in-case-of-mud-photoshoot-shoes to church…1-29Sundayshoes

If only it wasn’t raining…